My ideal job

You know how a lot of people tell you that you have to "put it out there" in order for good things to happen to you? They tell you to say what you want, say it out loud, let other people know you want it, and it will come to you. So I'm going to do just that.

I want a job. But not just any job. I want my ideal job. 

A good friend once told me that your ideal job should consist of the things you can't seem to stop doing, even though nobody is paying you to do them. And so after thinking about it carefully for a few weeks, here's what my ideal job would look like. These are the things I love, and it's about time somebody started paying me to do them.

25% of the time, I will review and revise your resume. I will make you stand out to employers and help you put your best face forward. Not sure how to brag about yourself? I can help. Not sure if you need an objective statement? (Here's a hint: you don't) I can help. Not sure if it should be one page or three? I can help.

50% of the time, I will edit your Facebook posts. I will work with a brainiac programmer (thankfully, I know many of those) to create an app called You, Only Better. I will round up clients to use this app and I will charge them based on how many posts I have to fix so that you don’t get dumped or fired. Any time you write a Facebook post, before it goes live to friends and family, it will run through the app and be filtered by a professional writer (aka me) for things like:

• Typos
• So many typos that you might be drunk
• Photos of you while drunk
• Religious or political statements that you’ll regret tomorrow

I will re-write your post until it shines. So, for example, when you write “Oute havinn good tim at Senterfolds” at 3:00 AM Sunday morning, your professionally filtered post will instead say “What a great morning for a walk with Mom. Stopped to pet a puppy. Now off to brunch at Dennys.”

10% of the time, I will offer proofreading and editing services to large corporations, billboards, and sign generators that have no understanding of basic spelling or grammar. (I'm looking at you, Trader Joe's.) I can't tell you how many times I cringe in shame when I see a misspelled word on a banner or billboard. It happens more often than you realize and I'd like to rid the world of such blight.

10% of the time, I will monitor your customer service and tell you how to improve it. Are your phone operators professional and polite? Do your cashiers know how to count change back to the customer? When a customer has a legitimate complaint, do you treat them with respect or do you give them the runaround? When you open a new checkout line, do you pull from the other lines in order or is it a free-for-all that allows the people in the back to run up and be first in line? I have a lot of opinions about customer service and I want somebody to pay me to share them with the rest of the world.

5% of the time, I will be a professional cat photographer for those of you who need more photos of your feline friends on Facebook.

Bring it on, world!