Chewing Gum Is Really Gross, Chewing Gum I Hate The Most.

Okay folks, I'm just gonna put this out there. I'm probably going to piss a few of you off, and I've decided I'm okay with that, because the truth is that you've probably been irritating ME for years and I've just never said anything. 

Maybe in time you'll forgive me, and if you don't, then we probably weren't meant to be true friends.

Here's the deal: if you chew gum, I hate you. And I want you to stay far, far away from me.

Gum chewers are a special breed of awful. They drive me up a wall. They chomp, they snap, they pop, they chew chew chew, and then they start back over again. Some of them don't realize how much annoying noise they are making. Others realize it and just don't care. A select few -- ones I like to call 'liars' -- will swear that they chew in absolute silence.

I'm here to tell you you're not silent. You are making disgusting noises with your mouth, and I really wish you'd knock it the hell off.

Okay, here's the part where I confess to my own stake in the matter. I read a book a few months ago called The Highly Sensitive Person, and it's like I was reading a novel about myself. In a nutshell, HSPs (as we are called) have biological differences in their nervous system that causes us to hit a saturation point with external stimuli much faster than everyone else. So things such as lights, noises, and crowds can overwhelm a HSP whereas someone else might not even notice them. As I read through this book, I kept saying to myself "oh my god, that's me! That's me!" Weird quirks about me that I never strung together before now seemed to make more sense. Things like:

• I get extremely anxious when I have to go to a crowded mall at Christmas time. I've been known to evacuate and leave family members inside because I just can't do it.
• I have to turn the car radio off when I'm driving in an unfamiliar area because my brain can't concentrate on navigation and music at the same time.
• I can't have the light in the kitchen on when I'm physically in another room. I will notice it and it will bother me until I go turn it off.
• I've asked co-workers to stop eating sunflower seeds at their desk or to take their jangly bracelets off because the sound was so disturbing.
• If I'm in a movie theatre or other large audience, I have to get up and move if I have a spit sucker near me (apologies to any old people who take offense, but it's usually an oldster whose dentures don't fit correctly and who constantly sucks spit between their teeth to correct it. Ew.). And I can hear spit suckers rows and rows away from me.

I could go on and on with other examples, but hopefully you get the idea. Apparently 20% of the population is classified as Highly Sensitive, so it ain't just me (and I know more than a few of you out there reading this are in the same boat, because I've sat through movies and concerts with you and we've both rolled our eyes at the person behind us rustling their candy wrapper.)

So I can say with all honestly that the noise from gum chewers is probably way ickier to me than it is to the other 80% of the population.  And yet, I still thing gum chewing is one of the oogiest things out there, and I wish you all would stop it.

I just learned that Singapore has banned chewing gum. I'd like to meet the man who wrote that law and shake his hand.

Here's the two things that bother me the most:

1. The Holstein Effect. You know you look like a cow chewing its cud, right? Right? You don't see it? Sadly, you are probably like a smoker who no longer realizes their car and clothing and house all smell like cigarettes. You're too far gone to have an objective view. So let me share with you: you look like a cow. And it's gross.
2. Remember trash cans? No, I don't think you do. Because otherwise you'd be using them to dispose of your gum. Instead, it's on the bottom of my shoe or on my knee. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in gum, sat in gum, or stuck my pant leg to a table because a wad of gum was stuck up under there. Are there no trash cans in your world, gum chewers?

 You gum chewers might think this is overgeneralizing, but I'm going to tell you something: you're wrong. Sorry, but it's true. Think you're the quietest gum chewer in the world? You're not. Trust me.

Chewing gum is really gross. Chewing gum I hate the most.