The conversations we hold in our heads

I hold conversations with other people in my head. I'm pretty certain that other people do this too. Do you? But here's the thing: I do it a lot. And I really only do it when I'm feeling angry or upset or hurt. I don't rehearse impending conversations about good things, but I find myself repeatedly holding full conversations about bad things up in this brain of mine.

 I need to stop and think about why I do this, and I need to come up with a mechanism to catch myself in the act and let it go. 

Oh yeah, and for those of you who are wondering, today's post is inspired by Brene Brown, an amazingly intuitive woman who puts a lot of things into words that I wish I had the eloquence to say myself. 

 Here's what she said this morning:
 
I know I'm putting on my vulnerability armor when I start rehearsing the really mean things I'd like to say to someone. Those pretend conversations are my red flag.

Brene wrote an eye-opening book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" which I'm about halfway through.  I read a ton of books each year but only a handful fall into the self-help genre. When I find an author who blows me away, however, I'll gladly pick up one or two of their books and see what sorts of insights are ready to speak to me.  

"The Gifts of Imperfection" is all about allowing yourself to be authentic, and knowing that that's good enough and indeed, is the only thing that is good enough. I personally don't struggle with the pefectionism aspect of finding your authentic self (I instead practice good-enoughism), but there are other places in my life where I struggle to show my authentic self and understand that it's enough, it's powerful, and it's the only thing that will really help me to connect with other people.

But I digress.

So these conversations I hold in my head, I can rule out a lot of reasons for holding them. 

• I don't think its social anxiety. It's not like I'm scared to talk to people and practicing puts me at ease.
• I don't think its Monday morning quarterbacking. I'm not replaying conversations from the past and trying to make them come out better.
• It's not even my biggest suspect - rehearsing an awkward or difficult conversation that I want to have with a friend or loved one. That would at least make sense -- the need to practice something I intend to say. "Hey friend, we've been drifting apart and I don't like it. What can we do to fix it? I miss you."  

So what is it, then? Have any of you out there thought of WHY we do this?

Here's what I think: I use these conversations as a mechanism to feel my anger, work through it, get it out, and at the same time, not take it out on the other person.  

Note that this really only works when you recognize you're upset about something that's within your power to address and solve yourself. So it's usually something I've blown out of proportion (shocking!) and, in holding the conversation with the other person in my head, I can work through some things I'd like to say and .... after saying them, then saying other things, then running through various scenarios in my head  ... come to realize the real-life conversation probably doesn't need to take place. Instead, my perspective needs to shift. 

And that's a good thing.

So maybe these conversations are just another mechanism for working on my own issues. It still doesn't mean that I like them -- I don't really. Because the conversations in my head make me feel bad, defensive, accusatory, and that's just not the type of person I want to be. I want to be the person who gives the benefit of the doubt, who sees the best in others, who others see as a giving person, who is slow to anger and quick to laugh.

This may sound like a silly or trite analogy, but I want to treat everyone the way I treat the oldest members of my family.  Both my grandparents passed a few years ago, but I have memories I'll take with me to my own dying day. And I gave them the love, the patience, and the acceptance that was in me to give. And giving it was SO easy. There was no judgment, no scoffing, no I'm-right-you're-wrong. It was just pure pleasure, pure love, and no expectations.

I want to be that way with everyone in my life.