I couldn't make this shit up if I tried

Those of you who have followed the saga of my crazy upstairs neighbor will appreciate this (what I hope to be final?) encounter with her.

Last night about five o'clock, I'm in the kitchen prepping dinner for Nolan and me. My cell phone rings and I look at the caller ID -- it says "Woodside Gate" which, not surprisingly, means somebody just dialed me on the keypad outside my condo. When this happens, 99% of the time I don't bother to say hello, I just answer and punch in the code that opens the gate.  

Nolan wasn't supposed to arrive until 7:00 but my friend Becca said she'd stop by and give me some flyers for me to post in my complex in hopes of finding her missing cat, so I assumed it was her.

So I entered the code to open the gate, and thought that was it.

Wrong. About a minute later, my phone rings again. Woodside Gate. Weird, but I figure maybe Becca didn't make it through the open gate the first time and still needed to get in.

So I entered the code to open the gate, and again thought that was it.

Wrong. Another minute later, my phone rings a third time. Woodside Gate. At this point, I'm thinking someone doesn't just want me to open the gate, they actually want to talk. So I pick up the phone and answer it.

It's a really crackly connection so I can't hear everything the other party is saying. It goes something like this: "....(unintelligible) ... is this Miss Marsh ... ?"

Me: "Yes, this is Susan Marsh."

Her: " ...(unintelligible) ... do you have a problem with smoke in your fireplace?"

Me:  Pause.

Me: "Wait, who is this again?"

Her: Hangs up.

You heard it here first, folks. Crazy upstairs neighbor crank called me from the gate outside our complex. To quote the ever-quotable Sheldon Cooper, bitches be crazy.

Jealousy: All the Fun You Think They Had

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

 I've been thinking a lot lately about dark emotions - the negative emotions that grab hold of us, drag us down, and hold us under until we sink or swim. 

Fear. Jealousy. Self-doubt. Grief. Shame.

Envy and jealousy are hard to talk about. Really hard. Who out there is eager to admit that you're secretly longing for what other people have? That some part of you, big or small, wishes you could be someone else? Someone prettier, stronger, thinner, smarter, happier, someone with a bigger house or a smaller nose with a wonderful marriage and an amazing family? 

We've all been there, done that. But very few of us will open up and talk about what jealousy feels like.  Which is ironic and kind of a shame, since because jealousy is so common, it's one of those emotions that connects us all. 

I've had some major struggles with feelings of envy in my life. It comes, it goes, I hide from it, I fret about it, I address it, I dance around it, and sometimes, when I'm feeling extra courageous, I talk about it.

Several years back, I realized that I was envious of Kim, who is my sister's best friend. Rather than being happy that Brenda had such a strong friendship, I was jealous and intimidated. Bren and Kim would take long walks together and talk about the deep aspects of life, and they shared a bond that I thought should be reserved for sisters, not friends. I felt inadequate - I'm just the younger sister, the wisecracker, the person who takes Brenda shopping for clothes or out to funny movies. I'm not deep. Not special. Not Kim.

Come to find out, Kim had those same feelings of envy toward my own relationship with Brenda. Every time Brenda would tell Kim about something fun that she and I did together, Kim was envious. Turns out there is something about the sister bond that's hard to break and hard to find elsewhere. And the whole time, Kim and I both had a piece of ourselves that wished we were the other person.

Fast forward several years. Kim moves to Sacramento, Brenda moves to San Diego, and I get to spend more time with Kim. The Susan-Kim friendship begins. We share stories. We find out about each other and how we view the other's relationship with Brenda. (Side note: Brenda is a pretty lucky girl to have two girls fighting to be special to her.) And today, I can't imagine ever being envious of such an amazing person as Kim. But I was, for the longest time.

And every once in a while, there are those rare moments where life comes up from behind, smacks you on the head, and snaps you out of envy in a way you never expected. 

I had one of those moments this week. Someone with a seemingly perfect life - i.e. a bunch of things for me to envy - doesn't have it nearly as good as I thought they did. They have struggles I didn't know about, struggles I'd never ask for in a million years.

I'm gonna place a little bit of blame on that crazy social network, Facebook, which allows each of us to show only the side of ourselves that we want others to see. Sitting home alone on a Friday with a basket of laundry? Boring. Don't share that on Facebook. Out with amazing friends at the club, looking hot and having a great time? Post a thousand photos! I'm happy! I have a great life! Look, it's all right here for the world to see on Facebook!

Facebook is a load of crap. It's a load of crap that I've fallen for hook, line and sinker.

Facebook makes it all too easy to assume that what you see is what you get. Don't see bad stuff? Congratulations, you clearly have the perfect life.

How could I fall for that? What you see is hardly ever what you get. Yet I was content to sit back and assume that talking about a great life meant you actually had one.

Which is ironic, because in reality I'm the girl with a pretty great life. It aint perfect and sometimes it's downright messy, but when you get right down to it there's not many people I'd switch places with. I just took four months off work to travel, chill out, and have fun. I have a brand new car that's fully paid for. I don't have any debt. I have a kooky but close family. I've got a few close friends. I've got a pretty amazing fiancee. 

I have the things that most people would kill to have.

There's a million platitudes I could get into (grass isn't always greener, count my blessings, etc. etc.) but they won't get me where I need to be. What gets me where I need to be is this:

I know I'm not perfect. I never will be. I don't want to be. My imperfections are what make me who I am. I'll be real with you if you'll be real with me. I don't want to see your public face, because I'm comfortable with the good and the bad and the messy and everything in between. Seeing your vulnerability is what makes you human and what makes me love you. In return I'll show you my weak side, my fears, along with my compassion and my need to connect with you.  That's the way I want to live my life, and maybe you'll join me in the ride.

FAQ for understanding an introvert

I received a few questions from friends when I wrote my last entry on introversion. So, it looks like there are some important concepts that people want to know about.

So, do you hate going out?

No, not at all! I probably just don't want to do it as often as you. I need to feel a balance between evenings out and evenings in. For example, unless there's something pretty significant happening, I usually don't want to go out both Friday and Saturday evening – I'll pick one and then spend the other just chilling. Also, if given the choice between a loud party with tons of people or a quiet show at Lunas, I'll go with Lunas hands down. It gives me the thing I love – music and time with friends – in a more mellow environment. 

Are there exceptions? Of course there are. My fiance plays really loud music in a really loud band in really loud bars, and I'd go to the ends of the earth to be there and support him. So don't think of these as hard and fast rules, but guidelines.

So, do you hate people? Are you still shy? 

Nope to both questions. I'm pretty sure that I'm over my shyness, but that said, it's still hard for me to walk up to a group of people and just start a conversation. I don't think that's due to shyness, it's just a bit intimidating is all. Especially if that group of people is laughing and having a great time and circled off from me – I probably won't just cut in and intrude.

But you're always posting about all your adventures on Facebook! What's up with that?

Facebook is it's own animal which I won't get into right now. But come on, how many people do you see post about the mundane and ordinary aspects of their life? Not many. “Doing laundry” and “cleaning up cat vomit” do not make for interesting reads, and first and foremost I consider myself a writer, so I like to put things out there that are, well, interesting for other people to read! And, I do have a lot of fun in life, and I like sharing that with others. It's possible to be an introvert and still have great adventures. I know, because I do all the time.

So, should I stop inviting you to do stuff?

No way man! Invitations are excellent and appreciated. Don't feel like you have to change your behavior, just make an effort to understand the person who you are inviting a little better. It will pay off in spades.

 
Do you want me to fix you? Should I try to pull you out of your shell?  

Ooh, hard question. Loaded question. "Fixing" implies that there's something wrong with introverts, which is absolutely not the case. So no, don't try to fix me.

That said, I think everyone needs balance in their lives, and I'm certainly not a hermit. I spend time with my book club and at the gym with my trainer and at shows checking out good bands and riding my bike with friends and seeing movies with friends and family. I also spend time alone out in the world – I have no problem going to a restaurant by myself and enjoying a good meal while I read a book or just watch the world go by. And, of course, I need down time and time to just chill on the couch with my cat. 

I also think that it's good to be challenged spending time doing things I might not be comfortable with so you can push me a little. Just know that I already challenge myself in many different ways, so I don't necessarily need you to do it a great deal. And getting past internal challenges always feel better than pressure from other people.

I want to know more about you!

 

Here's a great primer for understanding an introvert a little better.

The Life of an Introvert

I've come to the realization that most people just don't understand introverts. And by "most people," I mean all you extroverts. 

Here's the thing: I've known my entire life that I was, and am, an introvert. It wasn't something I discovered about myself. It wasn't something that slowly came on. It's just who I am. 

I prefer the company of one or two close friends to the company of 20.  If you asked me whether I wanted to spend Friday night at a club or at home eating pizza and watching movies, I'd pick "pizza and movies" every day of the week and twice on Sundays.  And while extroverts are rounding up ten of their closest friends for happy hour or a fun run, you'd be doing me a favor by handing me a great book and a giving me a few hours alone to read it.

When I was younger, being introverted manifested itself as shyness. This isn't always the case with introverts, but it was with me. I didn't like to initiate conversations with other people. When I got teased, rather than come up with a witty retort I'd just turn bright red and retreat. I was extremely afraid of being judged by my peers, and I always assumed others thought I wasn't cool enough.  A lot of people go through this in grammar and high school, but for an introvert it's particularly difficult because you go through it alone. It never once occurred to me to ask my mom or my sister for advice on how to deal with it, so I just dealt with it by myself.

I've been "coming out of my shell," so to speak, my whole life. And here's the thing -- if you were to meet me today, you'd be hard pressed to guess that I'm introverted. It's not that I do a good job of hiding it, it's just that to meet people you have to be out and about doing things. You don't meet people staying home, you meet people out in the world. And the things I love - music, movies, theater, fitness, books -- will always draw me out into the land of the living.

But just because you see me at a show or out to dinner doesn't make me extroverted. If only it were that simple.

When an extrovert spends a night on the town, they are energized by crowds of people. They are in their element and it brings out the best in them. 

In contrast, when I spend a night out among throngs of people I often feel drained. I'm happy when I get home and can just cocoon for a while. I need more time to recharge my batteries.

Being introverted can be lonely at times. Not by the fact of being alone - I enjoy alone time. But because I often feel misunderstood.

There's a lot of pressure to be social in this world. From a very young age, we're encouraged to be outgoing, to be a go-getter, to have a wide circle of friends and a jam-packed social calendar.

Am I the only one who thinks a jam-packed social calendar sounds awful?

Because the truth of the matter is that it's hard for others to understand us. Being outgoing is pretty cut-and-dried. Being me is a lot more complex.

I prefer the company of a few close friends, but it can be hard to get out there and do the things people do to make new friends in the first place.So you could ask a very simple question like "why aren't you out with friends tonight?" and my answer wouldn't make sense to you. Sometimes, the answer is "I just don't feel like it." (Ridiculous! Going out with friends is always a great time!) Other times, the answer is "I'd like to but my friends are hitting the town tonight." (So go hit the town with them! Live it up! The more the merrier!) At other times, the answer is "but nobody called me so nobody wants to spend time with me tonight." (So call them! Take the initiative! Get out get out get out!)

The answer that runs through all of these is "The why doesn't really matter. I just don't want to. And I'm okay with that. I'm not defective, and you don't need to worry about me."

Thankfully there are several upsides to being introverted. I might have fewer friendships than you, but I have meaningful friendships that mean more to me than most anything else. 

I won't be the first person you meet when you walk into a party, but once you spend time talking to me, I might just be more interesting than anyone else you meet there. 

Leave me alone and I'll never go bored. I can find any number of things to fill my time and I don't go stir crazy. In fact, I draw a lot of my energy from my alone time.

So the next time you're quick to judge someone or look down upon them because their energy level doesn't match yours or they turn down your invitation to go clubbing, step back and realize that you might just be dealing with an introvert. Invite them to coffee or to go for a walk. Bring a movie over along with some nail polish. Lie on your back with them and look at the stars.  

You'll have a friend to the end.